Here's some really bad advice!
Bacon and Nutella will lead to a very happy life. (Though very short)
Always text and drive, multitasking builds reflexes. Try eating while you do that as well.
If someone offers you drugs, thank them. Drugs are expensive.
If someone passes you while your speeding, pass them and make sure a cop sees what they did.
If you plan on going outside at night carry a laser and wear all black. Sneak along neighbor's property. Make sure you're seen.
Always break rules. They were meant to be broken, therefore you are doing the right thing and the government will love you. Especially if you shoot the president and become a dictator.
Play with fire. Gasoline make it 10x more fun.
No matter how fast you run at automatic doors they will open in time. Never wait for them.
Eat whatever you want. You'll stay completely healthy.